Church of the Mighty Alrightness

No Judgments

What do you chatter about in your head?

Have you ever really listened to your internal monologue?

When I pay attention to my thoughts as I move around in the world, the first thing I notice is how many of them I have. Busy, busy, busy mind.

I've got thoughts about everyone in the supermarket line. "Nice legs." "Looks stressed." "C'mon, buddy, write the damn check."

While driving: "Wakey, wakey... are we totally asleep up there?" "This must be idiot day on the highway."

Waiting in line at the theater: "You're not buying a new car... could you just choose a movie and pay for it?"

I notice that I am often pretty merciless in my mind.

Then there are times when it's 'positive radio' in my head.

"God, what a beautiful day." "Look at that sky!" "What an interesting person." "This is fun!"

It's a constant radio station in here, with opinions and comments about everything. I have to tell you that I was not happy, once I really started listening, about how much of the chatter is negative.

But I have a theory about that.

The brain is an analytical device, and it's a threat-assessment machine. It's always looking for problems, for threats. It's a threat radar. That's a good thing when there are tigers waiting by the path to eat you.

Trouble is, too often it's a destroyer-class radar in a rowboat. So much threat screening that there's no room for the lovely pond the rowboat is floating in to make an impression.

Comprehending the lovely pond is a function of the heart, not the mind.

I confess that the combination of my family history and the snap judgment habits of our culture combine to lure me into focusing too much on the threat instead of the pond.

I am getting happier and happier as I learn to monitor the internal radio station and step in to change channels when the narrative goes negative.

Here's how I do it. When I notice myself nattering on and on in constant criticism, I say softly to myself, "No judgments." If necessary, I say it again.

When I do that, it startles my mind into silence, and the background 'alrightness' becomes noticeable. My shoulders come down. My breathing becomes deeper and calmer. Everything relaxes, and all the quietly fine things going on off the radar come to the fore.

Have you ever really listened to your internal radio station?

Try it. Change channels if you dare.

Allow the Mighty Alrightness to emerge.

- The Acolyte

In Good Times Or Bad

The first time I committed marriage, I didn't trust it at all, and I didn't know what I was getting into.

My lovely first wife captivated me in many ways. She was interesting, high-verbal, beautiful, and a great musician. I fell hard.

When we got married after being together for a while, we left out the "'til death do us part", "in good times or bad" stuff in our co-written marriage service. We concentrated on the good stuff, and why shouldn't we -- we were in our twenties, with all of life stretching out in front of us.

Twenty-five years later, when I married my current wife, we were more traditional. Got married in a church, and used the old phrases that were left out the first time.

Now I'm finding out what they mean.

I recently discovered I had two hernias (hernia? herniae?) that were getting in the way, so I had surgery to fix them. In telling people I knew about the impending surgery, it was amazing how many men had already done it. "Piece of cake" was the predominate phrase. "Hurts for a week, then go about your life". Stuff like that.

I had the surgery, and a day later my kidneys failed.

I was in the hospital with balloons for ankles, wrists and chin. Water collecting everywhere, but none coming out of you-know-where. Much pain as I swelled up, and finally they inserted a catheter, which allowed me to begin feeling human again.

For years I had an enlarged prostate, which sits astride the urinary canal in men. When it enlarges, urination gets difficult, and so it was that for many years I was up at night four or five times to pee. My sleep turned into a series of naps, which is not the same as a good night's sleep, and I didn't know it, but my kidneys were becoming weaker and weaker under all that stress.

So when the surgery tipped me over the edge and I got 'bagged', the bummer of that fact was offset by my sudden ability to sleep the night through without getting up. Oh. My. God. Sleep, and sleep, and sleep I did, and still tend to do.

I hook my bag to the side of the bed, and I'm tethered closely by the tube, unable to even turn over to hug and smooch my bride. Never mind sex, with a tube and bag getting in the way.

And you know, cleaning up after my accidents (yes, there is the occasional leak), watching her husband drag around a bag 24/7, my dear wife was very clear. "I didn't marry you just for fun. Marriage is about this, too, and I love you."

I was astounded.

I never saw that kind of commitment before, nor did I previously feel it myself. This was a whole new thing where my wife loved me every day, even when I was pissing on myself.

It is the mark if incredible maturity and a way-big heart. This is love, not infatuation, and I was never so clear before about the difference.

I wish for you a love like this, where no matter what befalls you, your sweetheart is right there loving you. In your darkest, weakest hour, s/he is unwavering.

I'm not out of the woods yet. One more surgery -- on the pesky prostate -- is on the docket, and more days and nights of pain and trials.

What I know now is that my Betsy is there, no matter what. We'll get through it. She's right there, even when I am the least of myself.

And how precious is that?

- The Acolyte